I have returned!  For over two years, I have been silent on my blog.  So where have I been, and can I explain my disappearance?  To begin with, I have been discovering the answer to my question: “Who is God?”

Then my mother went to the hospital after falling. Whilst there, she turned eighty-five.  I witnessed and shared her journey as she slowly withdrew from the life she knew and faced her mortality.  Eleven weeks after her fall, she peacefully passed from this world into the next.  She died well.  More reflection followed together with the grieving process.

In addition, many months later, quite surprisingly, I met the love of my life.  A friendship developed, blossomed into a courtship and culminated in a marriage.  Our honeymoon ended just two weeks short of lockdown due to COVID-19.  Amazing what asking three little words with huge meanings and enormous consequences can do. Who is God?  Now that you know why I disappeared, let me start sharing my reflections.

Incredible India

The last time you heard from me, I was about to embark on my trip to India.  Incredible India, as she is fondly referred to, had never been on my bucket list.  However, my passport was facing not having been used for over twenty years.  So I decided it was time to treat myself, to leave our sunny shores and venture elsewhere. I was drawn to India, a country with a heart, by a group tour called “What makes your soul smile?” Many adventures were on offer, including soul searching lessons in the land of enlightenment. This really appealed to me.

On a quest to find God

Those of you who have read my previous articles know I have been on a journey of questioning my life and my faith. I have pondered the circumstances that lead to my brokenness.  My question “WTF?” was transformed to ”Where to Forever”.    Click here to read how that came about.

Besides wanting to travel again and see the world from a different perspective, I was fervently on a quest to find God.  I had come to the end of myself and knew that I needed to connect with the one who had made me and must surely know what’s best for me.  My dilemma was that I didn’t know the true identity of God.

My disappointment in the church

I had been actively involved in the church for most of my adult years.  I enjoyed many seasons of growth and a sense of belonging.  Sadly, I also experienced a season of hurt and what I perceived to be  judgement.  My feeling of belonging dissipated, and I left the flock to go on a proverbial “walkabout.”

Did you know that walkabout is a rite of passage for a male in Aboriginal society?  At puberty, he is required to live in the wilderness for as long as up to six months.  During this time, he makes a spiritual and traditional transition into manhood.

I identify with this.  Having gone through my own wilderness for more than six months, I can bear witness that such an intentional focus leads to a spiritual transition.

Who is God?

I was determined to find out who God really is.  I had spoken to God very frankly as to how I felt about life and how disappointed I had been in so many ways.  Looking to the future, I had been left feeling without purpose.  However, now I was in a frame of mind to acknowledge that only God could give me a purpose in life.  Yet, I needed to know more about his nature and find his name.

I turned over many stones

On my quest to find the nature, form and name of God, I turned over many stones.  I was fearlessly enquiring as I wanted answers.  I took two journeys under the influence of psilocybin (magic mushrooms). What that did was to make me aware that I am an ancient and eternal being and that I am loved.  I experienced exquisite beauty, affirmation and acceptance like I had never felt before.  It was then that I was gifted with what I call my “tears of gratitude”.  I believe I had a glimpse into heaven.  Perhaps another blog?

Having the knowledge that I am an ancient eternal being, I looked into reincarnation and Buddhism.  So my trip to India was to be part of my enlightenment.  It wasn’t just to be a holiday.  I had been told by a friend who believes in reincarnation that I would find the keys that I had dropped in a previous lifetime.  Statistically, it makes sense that if one in every six people on earth lives in India, you will have spent at least one life there. So wherever I went, I waited for my déjà vu feeling; did I feel that I had experienced this before?

I never got to experience déjà vu.  What I did get to experience was the humility of most people, their respect for their fellow man and their ardent devotion to whomever they believe God to be.  I left India knowing that I also wanted to show devotion to God.  Not religious piety but an intentional act of giving and receiving love, affection and affirmation.  Yes we receive affirmation from God, but in expressing and declaring what we feel for him, we affirm him too.  It’s a shared dance of love, being embraced and feeling nurtured.

So did I find God?

The answer is yes, but the accurate statement is that God revealed himself to me.  I loved India more than I thought I would.  The colours, the smells, not counting the few bad ones, the sights, the food, the clothing, the architecture, the history, the people.  I came away with quite a few treasures from India.

But the greatest treasure I came away with is knowing who God is.

Reincarnation

For months before my quest, I had grappled feeling that life had been cruel and very challenging.  It was not what I had signed up for. Therefore I was not enamoured with the belief that I had to come back and live many more difficult lives of my own choosing.

Those who believe in reincarnation feel that they choose the difficult circumstances that they come back to.  This is to achieve progress in the development of their soul.  To strive to be better than you were in your previous life.  Only when you live out the best, the most moral incarnation of yourself, can you find salvation or birthlessness.  Your reward is to be liberated from samsara, the cycle of rebirth.  Finally, your soul gets to rest.

Coming back to live many difficult lives just didn’t resonate with me.  I hadn’t enjoyed this lifetime; why would I want many more?  Letting go of my ego, thereby allowing me to achieve my best moral incarnation, also didn’t make logical sense.  How could my salvation lie within my own efforts?

Tears of gratitude

God revealed that He is the way for me to be liberated from samsara.  I don’t have to strive through myriads of difficult lifetimes to earn my way into His presence.  Eternal life is offered to me as a gift, and He alone is my salvation. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.

The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob offered his son Jesus as the Passover Lamb.  The angel of death can pass over me, and when I leave the earth from this lifetime, I arrive to be ushered into the presence of God.  My mistakes, my shortcomings and the flaws in my character are covered over by the blood of the lamb.  He loves me just as I am. I don’t have to strive to please Him.  All He requires is that I accept His gift and allow Him to love me.

God created me because He wants a personal relationship with me.  He wants to dance with me. To sing over me and to quiet me with His love.  Zephaniah 3:17.  With this revelation, it was easy to choose.

The magnitude of the revelation of this great gift of salvation

 resulted in many tears of gratitude.

I know who God is

I had previously been overwhelmed with disappointment, despair and hopelessness.  Now I was overcome with life, expectancy and hope.  I still had many questions unanswered, and I still struggled to believe that I was truly loved, but I finally knew who God is, and I know His name.

 His name is Jesus.

What followed were the many months of how I finally came to believe that God truly loves me. How my life has changed since then!  God took a few months, three cities and three jewels to show me He loves me.  It transpired in such a fascinating way that it took me by surprise, and I couldn’t deny it. It is irrefutable.  A love story that I look forward to sharing. The link is below.

Walking through fire, how God showed me He loves me.